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Rebound & Rant: Crazy Off-Season Edition

Ken "K-Train" Crites

An early RotoWire contributor from back in the 90's, K-Train returns with the grace of Gheorghe Muresan and the wisdom of Joe Gibbs. Tweet him @KenCrites or e-mail him at ken@rotowire.com. Ken won the FSWA 2014 Humor Article Of The Year award. He's also the 2015-16 champion of the prestigious RW NBA Keeper League. Ken still owns a RotoNews shirt.

I just love a crazy off-season. The more storylines, the better. Paul George to OKC! Chris Paul to Houston! Kyrie Irving demands trade! Gordon Hayward in Celtic green! Someone wants Dwight Howard!?! The Rooster, Danilo Gallinari, to the Clippers! I love the drama!!!

We’ve got almost 11 weeks to do serious analysis of things. Training camps and a few pre-season matchups should help solidify roles. But while things are still a tad foggy, let’s take a more lighthearted approach to review some whacky off-season changes.

Zach Randolph & New Kings FA’s
Look who got caught with the whacky tobaccy! TMZ reports the power forward was “arrested for possession of marijuana with intent to sell”, the “intent to sell” part stemming from the very large amount of weed in Z-Bo’s possession. Gee, maybe the Kings should have signed Dave Chapelle (warning, video clip NSFW).

Anyone surprised Z-Bo got into a little off-season trouble? And can someone PLEASE explain to me why Sacramento is getting praise for bringing in Z-Bo, George Hill, Vince Carter and Bogdan Bogdanovic? Yes, George Hill will probably be a good mentor for De’Aaron Fox. But the Kings are going to get pasted in the West. Are you telling me Vince Carter, after 19 seasons in the NBA, is going to give a rat’s ass about the future of the Kings? And what the heck is Bogdanovic going to teach the youngsters!?! Maybe how NOT to play defense? I’m sure Z-Bo’s lessons on using quality rolling papers will be very useful.

Surprise! Key LA Clippers Already Injured

Readers of the R&R know I LOVE The Rooster, Danilo Gallinari. But even I must admit he’s got a rocky injury history. As do the Clippers. So to the surprise of no one, Gallinari is already injured. Less than a month after being shipped to Clipper Nation, the Rooster fractured his right hand after throwing a punch during an exhibition game with the Italian National team. The good news he’s expected to be healthy in four weeks, in time for training camp. Maybe he just wanted to fit in with Blake Griffin’s injury history. Dude, you make over $21 million per year – you’re telling me the Italian squad doesn’t have a goon (Rocky? Slugo?) who can do your dirty work for you? (Please insert organized crime joke here). Here’s the punch, which wasn’t bad:




Kyrie Irving: Cry Baby
As usual, I agree with Charles Barkley. It is “stupid” for Kyrie Irving to want to leave Cleveland. Did Uncle Drew really enjoy “leading” Cleveland to a .339 winning percentage before The King arrived? It’s hard for me to word this better than Sir Charles, so here’s his phone call into NBA TV discussing Irving’s demands:



New Pacers Uniforms

As The Association switches to Nike uniforms next year, Nike seems to be getting some heat for their new designs. I disagree. I like what I’ve seen so far from Nike, especially the new Indiana Pacers uni’s. One worry though – is the roster so poor that Lance Stephenson is now the face of the squad!?! Ack! Oh well, try to focus on the uniforms:



Gordon Hayward

Many folks seem to be freaking out that the Celtics are a team of all small forwards. Has everyone forgotten that now is the era of “positionless basketball”? Here’s how the K-Train predicts things shake out. Hayward of course will start as many games as possible at small forward. Jaylen Brown, ten games into the season (or sooner) will beat out Marcus Smart for the starting shooting guard spot vacated by Avery Bradley. And rookie sensation Jayson Tatum will split time as the number one back-up for both Hayward at small forward and similarly small Jae Crowder at the four. Remember, Marcus Morris can’t rebound (4.6 boards per game last year) and Smart can’t shoot (36% career FG% over three years). Tatum is 6’8” and still growing. That’s my forecast – feel free to mock me come December.

Well, that’s it for today’s off-season R&R. This fantasy train wreck has hit the END OF THE LINE! CHOO-CHOO!